Humming to Your Tune

My survival kit: Bible, Book, Notebook and Ballpen.

It's been a week and still much more will come! :)

Things happened and nothing was within my sphere of control. My work has been fun, even reading my bible became twice more exciting. To wake me up in the morning, reading the bible is a must and praying gives strength to me. In these days of praying and fasting, my heart is my Achilles heel and God is my strength. Sleepless night have visited me and even sleepy mornings haunted me. I yearned for more than what I have and yet even when I have more, I can't have enough of Jesus.

I've been tested. My faith was shaken several times and yet I have no other choice but to go back to Him and sit at His feet in surrender. My friends are not my source of comforts, internet has no bearing and even my family is not a safe refuge. Only Jesus renews me even when I feel so tired.

I'm not sure how I can describe the thoughts that I have right now because I absolutely have no idea how I can even find the words to describe it. It's like an abstract painting or a beautiful falling star that mesmerizes you for a quick moment but because it came by so fast, you have no time to even say 'Look' but even the word may not be the best word to describe that beautiful moment.

It's crazy and it can be frustrating but all these thoughts and emotions that are just flooding me is part of the process. I'm a functioning human body and I have thoughts, emotions and actions. Sometimes my actions doesn't agree with my thoughts nor do my emotion agree with my thoughts. It's at those crazy moments when you just want to go home and pack your things and go somewhere far to a place that has not been explored and seek a beauty similar to that falling star that only lasts for a moment.

A lot of things are just for the moment and yet that moment is not something you would ever let pass. It's just for a moment but it's like an investment to eternity. To have that glimpse, to have that moment to actually see the biggest surprise of your life. It's like taking a peak in the key hole and see a whole wonderful world beyond the door. It's like Alice in Wonderland and Peter in Neverland. A whole new world with a great promise but the promise that lies beyond is a land of milk and honey, a land that'll last for eternity. The land of  hope, the land of life.

Mid-Year Crisis

(I got this from Kris. Yey!) 

It's half of the year and time just flew by so fast that I didn't realize how crazy things are! I resigned from my old work, I got absorbed by our client. I was struggling in this area of my life only to realize it was something deeper then I used to hang-out with this person then the tides have turned and I'm hanging out with a whole different set of people from before. Change has been very constant this year but the bigger picture is, I'm being transformed day-by-day and God is not finished with me yet!

Just a quick recap of this year, January was eventful then February flew by so fast that I was surprised when March came so slow. April was okay with the long vacation and such and May just zoomed-in on me and I felt like it passed by like the wind. Then June came, I was torn between the start and the end of the month. Yup, the first half of 2012 is like a roller coaster ride for me. It has its ups and downs and those sudden turns that makes you feel like you left your self back there only to later realize that you're still in your sit, ready to go through more twists and turns.

Yup, I think there's still a lot of twist and turns and I might throw up at one point or survive with grace!

So to face the mid-year with the full armor of God, we're going to have a prayer and fasting at our church and I'm very excited. When I was asking God what kind of fast should I do? Immediately, God impressed in me what to do and when I meditated in the Word, I felt encouraged and excited!

A quick funny story of myself before I end my blog entry. The past few weeks, I had a steady low appetite. I've hardly finished my food and I always tend to just eat what's in my plate and want to throw up when I eat more than I should. I noticed this but I dismissed it. Another notable fact is that I kind of started to lose weight. I know I'm going to the gym but somehow I knew this is not from the gym. Just this Sunday, I found out about the fasting! I was surprised! Seriously! I wasn't prepared! How can I prepare myself for this when I have only a day left? That's not good... I usually prepare a week before. As I panicked, I realized my weird eating habits. Oh okay. God prepared me even before I prepared myself. WOW!

So fasting! Here we go again! ;)

It's All About Me

(Source of picture: http://devotionalchristian.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/forgive-bible-quotes.jpg)

How many times have I listened to Misty sing "As far as the East is from the West, that's how far... He removed transgression from us". I've heard it a gazillion times but somehow, it never sank in because I still haven't learned how to forgive.

I've had my share of impatience, annoyance and anger and I've learned that to spare those who has hurt me, never really realizing that I wasn't forgiving... I was just setting aside their sins and then get back at them later on. But the bigger concern here is that, I surprisingly have never forgiven myself for all the mistakes I've made in life. I condemn myself. I hate myself and I curse myself in the process of struggling with forgiveness. I guess I'm too much of a perfectionist or I'm some kind of weird control-freak. I don't really understand when it started but I remembered the time when someone asked me "How do you forgive?" and I couldn't answer.

I look up to my mom. I look up to my dad. I look up to my sister. I look up to my brother. Then I realized, none of them practice forgiveness. I turn to my teachers in High School and my professors in college -- forgiveness is absent. Then there are my friends, I didn't experience that either from them. So where will I find it? I looked up. I saw God looking down on me.

The Lord looks down from heaven and sees every person.
From his throne he watches all who live on earth.
He made their hearts and understands everything they do.
Psalm 33:13-15 NCV

Lord, when You look at me... What do You see? Because all I see is my sins.. My imperfection... What do You see?

I'm on the verge of crying as I type this but I don't think it'll be wise to cry in my cubicle. People might think I'm going through something and to no surprise, I actually am, but it'll be difficult to explain what it is. I want to cry why GOD can forgive and love me even if He sees how sinful I am. He understands more than anyone else in this world. My family loves me but they don't understand. My friends love me but they don't understand. Nobody understood me, only God did and that brings me to tears that He understands why I'm like this even when I can't understand myself. God, seriously, thank You. Your love brings me to tears everyone I get a glimpse of how wonderful Your heart is.

I realized all these this morning when I made a mistake and I can't seem to let it go and forgive myself. I can't seem to accept the fact that I did something wrong even to the point of realizing that what I did was just a simple mistake. I even considered how the people around me feel but not considering its effect on me. The more I think about it, I just kept on condemning myself, condemn, condemn and condemn.

High empathy plus good condemning thoughts.

But then I read my daily morning devotional by Joseph Prince where I would want to quote what he wrote:

I was told by a pastor friend that when a lady, who had cancer on her face, asked for prayer for healing, the Lord revealed to him that it was self-hatred that was keeping her from receiving her healing. She could not forgive herself and was full of self-condemnation.
When she realized her problem, she counted on the fact that God was merciful to her unrighteousness and that she was already forgiven. She received the love of God. Then, right before the pastor's eyes, her whole face changed - she received her healing that very moment!

Can you imagine that? Immediate breakthrough and somehow it moved my heart. It convicted me. It showed the condition of my heart. The heart that is not ready to forgive. The heart that harbors ill-feelings towards other people. The heart that has not learned to love itself.

I want to runaway from it all. I want to leave it all behind and go to a place where I can be free. Where I can be myself and just enjoy a life without anybody else involved. Have a date with God. Walk in some sandy beach or climb a mountain peak and worship Him who is worthy. But even before all that, I want to forgive myself.

I am not perfect.
I will make mistakes.


When I hurt somebody in making a mistake, I choose to ask for forgiveness and humble myself.
When I show people how imperfect I am, I want them to see how God loved me even if I'm unlovable.

I may disappoint.
I may not help at all.


Then, I would want people to look at God because in Him no one will be disappointed in Him.
I can try to help but really... True healing comes from God!

I don't know everything.
I am weak.


My knowledge and expertise is very limited and only God knows everything!
It's not evident but I really am a very emotional person. Though I try to act strong, God has proven and is continually showing me that He is my strength alone.

There's a whole lot more I can include here that I can't do that only God can do something about but here's my most important decision that I want to invite those who also have unforgiveness to do:

I FORGIVE MYSELF.

Your Heart by Chris Tomlin

I've been sharing this for the nth time already and people are probably getting tired but I want to share what my heart's desire is and here it is!!! :)

I know I'm not perfect and I'll never be but His grace is more than enough for me! God sustains me and transforms me. I love the fact that He is not finished with me yet -- it assures me that I'm still a work in progress, so when I make mistakes, I don't have to over burden myself! YEY~