My Walk with God

How many times has it been that I have said... "God, I love you" yet somehow, the words just seem like they're flying out of the window and that my heart is not IN it... there was no feeling of guiltiness though... It was simply like... I was merely stating that fact without any real intentions. Cruel? Very...

After some time, I faced a lot of things in life and with whatever I do... I didn't exactly call for God's help nor did I raise my hands up to the heavens above and cried loudly "...Jesus help me". I find that I'm more capable of handling things and I don't want to trouble God of what's happening with me, HE should bother with those who are in more need. I was confident with myself, more confident than I could ever imagined.

Some months later, I encountered a problem and knowing myself, no matter how painful an event could be I will never-ever-ever cry or ask for anyone's comfort. I was devastated. I had no where to run to... not my friends or family or the people I know. It was merely me against the world. I was at the brink of approaching a friend or two but no mater what I do I just can't find the HEART to open up to them because I knew very well... the barrier I built to protect my heart is too strong... too powerful than even I who built it couldn't break it... that's when I closed my eyes and prayed "God, help me... Please be beside me, I need you".

After that everything around me changed. I realized how much I needed God in my life that if all else fails HE's the only one who will LOVE me more than I could ever LOVE HIM and that HE's the only one who understands me more than anyone else and that the barrier I built against others has already been penetrated without me realizing... penetrated by HIM.

Why did HE do such a thing? After all the half-meant "I love you" that I've said and the thank you that weren't really meant... I knew in my heart that my prayers were merely out of respect and acknowledgment that HE deserves and yet HE did all THIS! It was too much and too unworthy of me to receive, the tears in my eyes were no longer about the pain I've felt but to the shame I felt... I was so shameful to be half-hearted when GOD was serious about me all the time.

Now, I realized that GOD isn't just caring, loving, blessing, merciful, all-powerful and all that... HE is also someone who accepts you the moment you accept HIM and that HE will take care of you even if you're half-hearted because HE knows that no matter how HALF-HEARTED you are, someday, You who has accepted HIM will also reciprocate the LOVE HE gives to you and though it may take some time, the moment you can honestly say "Jesus Christ, my Lord, my God, you are the love of my life the strength and the light" is the moment that you'll realize... in your WALK in life, at first you were behind GOD but now, you're walking right beside HIM.