Being a Prodigal Son

How far can I go from home?

I've walked a million miles and I still can remember the things that I'm leaving behind. I guess it's not really the distance that'll separate me from them but somehow, I can't help but believe that if I just keep going on everything will change. It won't be like before and everything will just be of a surprise to me. A new land. A new place. A fresh start.

I've probably crossed a couple of mountains, hundreds of villages and met numerous people but none of which made a mark to me. They're all just faces, nothing more, nothing less. People probably think I'm heartless and selfish but what they have to understand is I'm just being honest here. I see nothing of particular value in everything that I saw or meet --all I want is to go away from everything --including them.

Solitude is good for me --for a couple of days. After which, you'll be hungry for human interaction that will make you party and dance the whole week long and then you'll realize that you are craving for solitude again. There's joy in being alone, the idea of just letting your thoughts out, writing them down and even taking the time to reflect on who I am. Not everyone is able to answer the question "Who are you?" and yet, somehow, even if I spend a billion days thinking, I can't think of the best way or the proper way to answer the question. It's a mystery how I've gone so far and yet I am not familiar with who I am. I must go on.

Books! They're a good source of ideas. It's amazing how books can help you know who you are! You read this book and it turns out that I'm a very Phlegmatic person but also very very Choleric because I am a very passionate and expressive individual. As I turn to more books, I read that I value quality time very much --so when was the last time I spent quality time with Him? All I've been doing is walking and running and walking and running again --believing that it was all for Him, not knowing that I'm moving a step closer away from Him.

So what have I been doing all this time? All I wanted is to run away from the town of destruction but why is it that as I run away from there, I'm also running away from You? I don't understand. Is there such thing as being caught in the middle in these kind of set-ups?

I sat down and think.

I'm lost in my way and now I don't know what to do.

My heart wants to seek You but why is it not skipping a beat?

Is it really my mind that is demanding my heart to seek You?

It doesn't make sense.

And as I sit on this rock, beside the road, I remembered something. I can turn to You for help. I've been so far off the road and I'm not sure what to do to get back to the right track but I'll retrace my steps and search for the path that leads to You. I see no future in a road that doesn't lead to You since You are the only way that I know that leads to life.

As I turn back and walk and walk, wasting day after day, still hoping that the next road is the path that lead to You.

I really feel tired and beaten up after all the walk I had to take just to find where I've lost You and still I can see that it's a long way to go. I feel like giving up but I really believe that there's no point going forward without You. So the next day as I set out, I struggled with myself on how much I want to just give up against my desire to go on. The painful process of going back --seeing everything that I ran away from. The things I've discarded when I was moving forward. How can I not feel discouraged? Can You blame me? I knew that as I go back, I'll meet more people, hear more stories and remember deeper secrets that I wanted to forget. Painful. Seriously.

How much longer, Lord?

As I walk down the road, I froze at what I saw. An old friend whom I have left behind. An old friend whom I betrayed because I believed I'm pursuing You more than anything else. Why am I seeing this person now --and yet I feel this great love and compassion towards this person --compassion that is accompanied by a deep heavy feeling --guilt. Why am I guilty? What is this guilt that I feel that I do not understand? I was pursuing You! I did everything for You so why am I guilty??? This is crazy!

...when I shut up I understood. The person wasn't the issue, it was really me. I never forgave myself for leaving and ruining somebody else's life when I decided to pursue You. I let somebody stumble just because I'm using You as a cover up for something else. This mirage has exposed a part of me that I wanted to deny, forget and let go but I can't because I haven't forgiven myself.

At that moment, the sky cried with me. I sat down by the road and the mirage disappeared but the truth and the pain didn't. Reality has met me half-way and I can't escape anymore. As I sank deeper and deeper, I feel like a seed being planted on the soil. I wish I can die and just be a plant but I know that when I die, my body will just rot and become fertilizer for the soil. I have no other choice but to stand up and go on. I shakily stood up as I fought the tears in my eyes --I don't want to face anymore ghost of my past but I also can't afford to allow it to distract me from pursuing You. Just as I stood up, my knees gave away and as I accepted the fact that my life is a mess, I felt Your loving arms catch me before I hit the ground.

I caught a glimpse of Your feet, Your sandals are worn out, have You been walking a lot? Were You planning to meet me halfway? I never got the answer because all that I felt is overwhelming love and it's more than enough to shut my mind and my mouth from asking any further.

That night, I sat in front of the bonfire, seating a bit distant from You. I want to move closer and give You a tight hug because seriously, I MISS YOU! But somehow I can't because I remember my mistakes and my past. I want to cry because why can You be so near and yet I can't hug You? Why are You just in front of me and I can't confess how much I love You? Oh dear heart, what is wrong with you? Oh dear mind, can I just discard you?

I miss You so much and I am CRAZY for more of You. Father, here is Your daughter. I didn't know how much of a prodigal daughter I've been these past few months and now, I want You more than anything else. Hug me tight and let me sing of my love for You. Let me dance and praise to the audience of One. Let me write stories and poems of my love for You and much better, of Your love for me. I want to say all these things and yet, I sit so silently beside You.

Meekness.

To be passionate doesn't mean I have to be overly expressive and talkative about it, there is a deeper passion in just staying still and let them see your heart more than your overly expressive actions. I am reminded of Your Words: “Be still and know that I am God…” (Psalm 46:10)

So I decided to let my head lean on Your shoulder, yeah. I need that. I don't want to go excited and jump and be talkative, just leaning on You is more than enough for me. It brings comfort and joy just sitting beside You and watch the fire continue to burn. Not uttering a word. Not moving much. Just sitting. Staying still.

You know I love You, I don't have to say it.

You know my voice, I don't have to sing.

You know my heart, I don't have to express it.

All I need is to sit at Your presence and remember that even though the journey has been hard and painful, You are my resting place. You are my assurance and hope. This journey is just a way of illuminating Your love for me more. The journey has been tough and it’s not over, but somehow, just reminding me that You are my resting place, my place of peace and assurance, gives me strength to go on. You are my hope.

Now I know how much of a prodigal daughter I've been. Running away from my mistakes is like running away from Him. I'm learning how to forgive myself. I don't need to walk alone anymore, You are my companion every step of the way.

I finally understand. Running away leads me nowhere but, I'm just so thankful that like the son, I can go back to my Father who welcomes me with open arms. I can rest in Him and be refreshed of His love.

There is freedom in His love.

John 8:36 (NIV)

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.