Unloved. Untrue.

How long has it been since I felt so secured in God's love?

I have a lot of thoughts today. Thoughts I do not usually entertain. Sad thoughts. Empty thoughts. Unhealthy thoughts. I guess it's because of the weather. Rainy days always make me feel bothered and a bit uneasy, not queasy though. The weather reminds me of a day when I cried and cried and I just let the rain wash away the tears that were falling from my eyes. I felt like there were more water that came from my eyes than from the sky. It was sad.

The rain is here.

As I stare at the rain drops fall, I wonder. Lord, why is it raining inside me again? What is wrong? What is this uneasy feeling that I do not usually feel. I feel so... uneasy. A feeling I usually feel when we're waiting for the payroll to be approved but also different, it's more sad and it leaves a feeling of emptiness deep inside me.

It's pouring hard.

I remember during Noah's time, they have not yet experienced rain. (Genesis 2:5b "God had not yet sent any rain..."). No one has yet seen what rain is like. No one has seen water fall from the sky and quench the dry and thirsty ground.

...but the rain inside does not quench.

How much longer must the rain fall inside me? I'm not sure. I am starting to feel empty.

John 16:32b ...but I am never really alone, because the Father is with me.

Why am I feeling empty anyway? What is the root of all of these? What has cause this uneasy feeling that is like a spider web that catches all the joy away before it can reach my heart? God hasn't left me. I'm still alive. My family will be saved. My friends are a blessing. So what?

I close my eyes and listen to the rain.

Images started passing through my mind. People. Places. Events. EVERYTHING. I never realized that I had so much in mind that I never had let out. I am like a Pandora's box who had a lot of secret inside that would never have came out if nobody opens me.

When I opened my eyes, Jesus was there.

Now that my heart has been opened. What should I do? Every evil thoughts, every evil desires and wrong-doings has been released. I don't want to lock them inside me again. I'm scared. Oh please help me.

...He held my hand.

As I stepped out of the box where all the evil things inside me dwell, I felt ashamed. How could I keep all those things inside me? Unlove. Uncared. UNIMPORTANT. I sobbed. I didn't know what to do. It's just to much. How insignificant am I? I kneel and watch. The evil things I kept inside me is dancing. They were the reason why it has been raining inside me. They've been torturing me. They've been hurting me. They've been lying to me.

It wasn't over.

As I cried. Jesus reminded me of a song:

"You are here you are here with me
Everywhere I go you are loving me
I am yours and you are mine
Forevermore"

-You are Here by Darlene Zschech

For the first time, I decided to pray:

Jesus Christ, my Saviour

How beautiful is your splendor

You reign in Heaven Most high

And the Earth below

I am nothing without You

I see myself of no value

What is my purpose?

You are the reason I live

Whenever I feel lonely and pained

I look back at those days

When I am in awe in worshiping

How much longer must I endure?

I stare at the sky

I remember Your Holy Throne

You see from there

No matter how tiny I am

You have set Your eyes on me

A servant, a sinner

Why do you look at me?

What do you see in me?

Till today, I wonder

Why did You love me?

What is it in me that You saw?

Will Your love ever end?

I have no answer

I hold it in and look at You

Stare and be amazed

That the Mighty King knows me

Now I know why John said

"Jesus much become more important,

while I become less important" (John 3:30)

It's because of You

You are more than

What the mind can comprehend

More than the world

Can ever measure

Greater, Mightier, Holier

That is my God

Who loves this pained sinner

and is now forgiven.

Amen.