Humming to Your Tune

My survival kit: Bible, Book, Notebook and Ballpen.

It's been a week and still much more will come! :)

Things happened and nothing was within my sphere of control. My work has been fun, even reading my bible became twice more exciting. To wake me up in the morning, reading the bible is a must and praying gives strength to me. In these days of praying and fasting, my heart is my Achilles heel and God is my strength. Sleepless night have visited me and even sleepy mornings haunted me. I yearned for more than what I have and yet even when I have more, I can't have enough of Jesus.

I've been tested. My faith was shaken several times and yet I have no other choice but to go back to Him and sit at His feet in surrender. My friends are not my source of comforts, internet has no bearing and even my family is not a safe refuge. Only Jesus renews me even when I feel so tired.

I'm not sure how I can describe the thoughts that I have right now because I absolutely have no idea how I can even find the words to describe it. It's like an abstract painting or a beautiful falling star that mesmerizes you for a quick moment but because it came by so fast, you have no time to even say 'Look' but even the word may not be the best word to describe that beautiful moment.

It's crazy and it can be frustrating but all these thoughts and emotions that are just flooding me is part of the process. I'm a functioning human body and I have thoughts, emotions and actions. Sometimes my actions doesn't agree with my thoughts nor do my emotion agree with my thoughts. It's at those crazy moments when you just want to go home and pack your things and go somewhere far to a place that has not been explored and seek a beauty similar to that falling star that only lasts for a moment.

A lot of things are just for the moment and yet that moment is not something you would ever let pass. It's just for a moment but it's like an investment to eternity. To have that glimpse, to have that moment to actually see the biggest surprise of your life. It's like taking a peak in the key hole and see a whole wonderful world beyond the door. It's like Alice in Wonderland and Peter in Neverland. A whole new world with a great promise but the promise that lies beyond is a land of milk and honey, a land that'll last for eternity. The land of  hope, the land of life.

Mid-Year Crisis

(I got this from Kris. Yey!) 

It's half of the year and time just flew by so fast that I didn't realize how crazy things are! I resigned from my old work, I got absorbed by our client. I was struggling in this area of my life only to realize it was something deeper then I used to hang-out with this person then the tides have turned and I'm hanging out with a whole different set of people from before. Change has been very constant this year but the bigger picture is, I'm being transformed day-by-day and God is not finished with me yet!

Just a quick recap of this year, January was eventful then February flew by so fast that I was surprised when March came so slow. April was okay with the long vacation and such and May just zoomed-in on me and I felt like it passed by like the wind. Then June came, I was torn between the start and the end of the month. Yup, the first half of 2012 is like a roller coaster ride for me. It has its ups and downs and those sudden turns that makes you feel like you left your self back there only to later realize that you're still in your sit, ready to go through more twists and turns.

Yup, I think there's still a lot of twist and turns and I might throw up at one point or survive with grace!

So to face the mid-year with the full armor of God, we're going to have a prayer and fasting at our church and I'm very excited. When I was asking God what kind of fast should I do? Immediately, God impressed in me what to do and when I meditated in the Word, I felt encouraged and excited!

A quick funny story of myself before I end my blog entry. The past few weeks, I had a steady low appetite. I've hardly finished my food and I always tend to just eat what's in my plate and want to throw up when I eat more than I should. I noticed this but I dismissed it. Another notable fact is that I kind of started to lose weight. I know I'm going to the gym but somehow I knew this is not from the gym. Just this Sunday, I found out about the fasting! I was surprised! Seriously! I wasn't prepared! How can I prepare myself for this when I have only a day left? That's not good... I usually prepare a week before. As I panicked, I realized my weird eating habits. Oh okay. God prepared me even before I prepared myself. WOW!

So fasting! Here we go again! ;)

It's All About Me

(Source of picture: http://devotionalchristian.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/forgive-bible-quotes.jpg)

How many times have I listened to Misty sing "As far as the East is from the West, that's how far... He removed transgression from us". I've heard it a gazillion times but somehow, it never sank in because I still haven't learned how to forgive.

I've had my share of impatience, annoyance and anger and I've learned that to spare those who has hurt me, never really realizing that I wasn't forgiving... I was just setting aside their sins and then get back at them later on. But the bigger concern here is that, I surprisingly have never forgiven myself for all the mistakes I've made in life. I condemn myself. I hate myself and I curse myself in the process of struggling with forgiveness. I guess I'm too much of a perfectionist or I'm some kind of weird control-freak. I don't really understand when it started but I remembered the time when someone asked me "How do you forgive?" and I couldn't answer.

I look up to my mom. I look up to my dad. I look up to my sister. I look up to my brother. Then I realized, none of them practice forgiveness. I turn to my teachers in High School and my professors in college -- forgiveness is absent. Then there are my friends, I didn't experience that either from them. So where will I find it? I looked up. I saw God looking down on me.

The Lord looks down from heaven and sees every person.
From his throne he watches all who live on earth.
He made their hearts and understands everything they do.
Psalm 33:13-15 NCV

Lord, when You look at me... What do You see? Because all I see is my sins.. My imperfection... What do You see?

I'm on the verge of crying as I type this but I don't think it'll be wise to cry in my cubicle. People might think I'm going through something and to no surprise, I actually am, but it'll be difficult to explain what it is. I want to cry why GOD can forgive and love me even if He sees how sinful I am. He understands more than anyone else in this world. My family loves me but they don't understand. My friends love me but they don't understand. Nobody understood me, only God did and that brings me to tears that He understands why I'm like this even when I can't understand myself. God, seriously, thank You. Your love brings me to tears everyone I get a glimpse of how wonderful Your heart is.

I realized all these this morning when I made a mistake and I can't seem to let it go and forgive myself. I can't seem to accept the fact that I did something wrong even to the point of realizing that what I did was just a simple mistake. I even considered how the people around me feel but not considering its effect on me. The more I think about it, I just kept on condemning myself, condemn, condemn and condemn.

High empathy plus good condemning thoughts.

But then I read my daily morning devotional by Joseph Prince where I would want to quote what he wrote:

I was told by a pastor friend that when a lady, who had cancer on her face, asked for prayer for healing, the Lord revealed to him that it was self-hatred that was keeping her from receiving her healing. She could not forgive herself and was full of self-condemnation.
When she realized her problem, she counted on the fact that God was merciful to her unrighteousness and that she was already forgiven. She received the love of God. Then, right before the pastor's eyes, her whole face changed - she received her healing that very moment!

Can you imagine that? Immediate breakthrough and somehow it moved my heart. It convicted me. It showed the condition of my heart. The heart that is not ready to forgive. The heart that harbors ill-feelings towards other people. The heart that has not learned to love itself.

I want to runaway from it all. I want to leave it all behind and go to a place where I can be free. Where I can be myself and just enjoy a life without anybody else involved. Have a date with God. Walk in some sandy beach or climb a mountain peak and worship Him who is worthy. But even before all that, I want to forgive myself.

I am not perfect.
I will make mistakes.


When I hurt somebody in making a mistake, I choose to ask for forgiveness and humble myself.
When I show people how imperfect I am, I want them to see how God loved me even if I'm unlovable.

I may disappoint.
I may not help at all.


Then, I would want people to look at God because in Him no one will be disappointed in Him.
I can try to help but really... True healing comes from God!

I don't know everything.
I am weak.


My knowledge and expertise is very limited and only God knows everything!
It's not evident but I really am a very emotional person. Though I try to act strong, God has proven and is continually showing me that He is my strength alone.

There's a whole lot more I can include here that I can't do that only God can do something about but here's my most important decision that I want to invite those who also have unforgiveness to do:

I FORGIVE MYSELF.

Your Heart by Chris Tomlin

I've been sharing this for the nth time already and people are probably getting tired but I want to share what my heart's desire is and here it is!!! :)

I know I'm not perfect and I'll never be but His grace is more than enough for me! God sustains me and transforms me. I love the fact that He is not finished with me yet -- it assures me that I'm still a work in progress, so when I make mistakes, I don't have to over burden myself! YEY~

First LEVEL UP Youth Camp

I've attended a lot of camps before. If you've seen some of my old posts, I had a lot with Youth for Christ. When I decided to pursue Christianity and became Born Again, I became active in the ministry of discipleship and some other random church ministry like tech, ushering, kids church, etc. but never really coming to the point of attending a camp. The first youth camp was for the leaders (which I am qualified) but I didn't go because I was just starting as a young professional and that was 2 years ago.

Fast forward to reality, here I am, invited to attend the youth camp that is open for all students/youth and I've signed up as part of the staff team. I've never been so excited! I've long missed that position of being strategic in everything that's why I can't help but feel super happy about the whole thing. Weeks passed and I'm surprisingly not part of the strategic team --turns out that it's for ministry heads which I'm not. As I've mentioned earlier, I'm not actively part of a church ministry, I'm more into discipleship but that didn't dissuade me. I still wanted to go and just support.

A week before the camp, our company announced that we'll be having our bi-yearly meeting exactly on the middle of the camp. I have obligations toward that event because it's handled specifically by our department. So when I asked our pastor if I can leave and go back, he talked to me and discouraged me to go for the simple reason that it's too risky to travel here and to and honestly, I felt my heart fell apart that time.

I prayed and argued with God and when I came to a point of surrender, I let go. I have nothing else but God and youth camp isn't the only way God will use me to bless other people. At the moment of surrender, I cried and just asked God for His will to be done and not mine.

Going back to work is a killer because of the pain you feel! I want to be there but I can't but anyway, I had a special moment with my officemate that day. I really appreciated what she did and I can't help but feel more loved and thankful even if it's so painful.

Exactly an hour before 12 midnight (the day of the camp), my officemate texted me that the meeting was moved and that I can join the camp! A lot of things happened afterwards and God has just been amazing! I can't help but dedicate this blog site to Him once again because He is and always will be the reason why I'll talk, I'll listen and live.

The camp was awesome but I'll be honest here, it wasn't awesome because of the activities or the sessions since I hardly participated in either, the best part for me is the quiet time. Sitting under a tree, looking at the majestic view and worshiping God. Singing songs and letting my heart dance for joy in His presence. I'll trade a million years just to have that special moment with God again and I'm forever changed because of His amazing love for me. <3

My Alphabet

Have you ever noticed how we describe Jesus in so many different ways? Omnipresent, Omniscient, Omnipotent, Immutable, etc.? When we're sick we call Him, Healer. When we have sinned we call Him forgiver of our sins or merciful God.

One night, after my quiet time, I came up with a thought to use the letters of the alphabet to describe Jesus. Of course some of you may have your own idea on the manner so this is to inform you ahead that the list pertains to my own personal relationship with God and that some of the words you may want to change, go ahead it's your call not mine but the list I've made is purely on my point of view. :)

I've also included bible verses / quotations / song lyrics that explains why I described Jesus as such.

Enjoy reading

A - Alpha Omega

Revelation 22:13 (NCV) I am the Alpha and the Omega,[a] the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

B - Bearer of our sins

2 Corinthians 5:21 (NCV) Christ had no sin, but God made him become sin so that in Christ we could become right with God.

C - Creator

Genesis 1:27 (NCV) So God created human beings in his image. In the image of God he created them. He created them male and female.

D - Dad

Psalm 2:7 (NCV) Now I will tell you what the Lord has declared:He said to me, "You are my son. Today I have become your father..."

E - Everlasting God

Hebrews 12:27 (NCV) The words "once again" clearly show us that everything that was made—things that can be shaken—will be destroyed. Only the things that cannot be shaken will remain.

F - Faithful God

2 Timothy 2:13 (NCV) If we are not faithful, he will still be faithful, because he must be true to who he is.

G - Glorious God

"Lift up your eyes to see the glory of the Lord is on the earth" --Fire Burns by John Owen

H - Healer

Matthew 8:13 (NCV) Then Jesus said to the officer, "Go home. Your servant will be healed just as you believed he would." And his servant was healed that same hour.

I - Immanuel

Isaiah 7:14 (NCV) The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin[a] will be pregnant. She will have a son, and she will name him Immanuel.[b]

[a.] Isaiah 7:14 virgin The Hebrew word means "a young woman." Often this meant a girl who was not married and had not yet had sexual relations with anyone.
[b.]Isaiah 7:14 Immanuel This name means "God is with us."

J - Judge

Psalm 110:6 (NCV) He will judge those nations, filling them with dead bodies; he will defeat rulers all over the world.

K - King of kings & L - Lord of lords

Revelation 19:16 (NCV) On his robe and on his upper leg was written this name: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.

M - Mannah from heaven

John 6:51 (NCV) I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give up so that the world may have life."

N - North Star

"Dear God, You're the only North Star I would follow this far" --Galaxies by Owl City

O - Omnipresent / Omniscient

Psalm 139:1-6 (NCV) Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know everything I do. Lord, even before I say a word, you already know it. You are all around me—in front and in back— and have put your hand on me. Your knowledge is amazing to me; it is more than I can understand.

P - Prince of Peace

Isaiah 9:6 (NCV) A child has been born to us; God has given a son to us. He will be responsible for leading the people. His name will be Wonderful Counselor, Powerful God, Father Who Lives Forever, Prince of Peace.

Q - קָדוֹשׁ Qadosh (Holy in Hebrew)

Isaiah 6:3 (NCV) Each creature was calling to the others: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord All-Powerful. His glory fills the whole earth."

R - Rock of Salvation

Isaiah 26:4 (NCV) So, trust the Lord always, because he is our Rock forever.

S - Shepherd

Psalm 23:1 (NCV) The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need.

T - Tabernacle

Hebrews 9:3,7 (NCV) [emphasis mine] Behind the second curtain was a room called the Most Holy Place. But only the high priest could go into the second room, and he did that only once a year. He could never enter the inner room without taking blood with him, which he offered to God for himself and for sins the people did without knowing they did them.

U - Untamed Lion

“He'll be coming and going" he had said. "One day you'll see him and another you won't. He doesn't like being tied down--and of course he has other countries to attend to. It's quite all right. He'll often drop in. Only you mustn't press him. He's wild, you know. Not like a tame lion.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

V - Victorious God

John 19:28, 30 (NCV) After this, Jesus knew that everything had been done. So that the Scripture would come true, he said, "I am thirsty." When Jesus tasted the vinegar, he said, "It is finished." Then he bowed his head and died.

W - Wisdom

Proverbs 8:22 (NCV) "I, wisdom, was with the Lord when he began his work, long before he made anything else.

X - Χριστός (Christos / Christ in Greek)

Mark 8:27-29 (NCV) Jesus and his followers went to the towns around Caesarea Philippi. While they were traveling, Jesus asked them, "Who do people say I am?" They answered, "Some say you are John the Baptist. Others say you are Elijah, and others say you are one of the prophets." Then Jesus asked, "But who do you say I am?" Peter answered, "You are the Christ."

Y - Yahweh

Exodus 3:14 (NCV) Then God said to Moses, "I AM who I AM.[a] When you go to the people of Israel, tell them, 'I AM sent me to you.' "

[a.] Exodus 3:14 I . . . I AM The Hebrew words are like the name "Yahweh." This Hebrew name for God, usually called "LORD," shows that God always lives and is always with his people.

Z - Zion

2 Samuel 5:7 (KJV) Nevertheless David took the strong hold of Zion: the same is the city of David.


I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did... I first posted this at my FB account but then I decided to also post it here for sharing. If I've encouraged you to make a similar list, go ahead :) This list is based on how I see God right now and I know that in the future, it'll change because He'll be more glorious, greater and far more wonderful and it'll continue unto eternity.

Grace

The best line of the song, for me, is this:

Then I was given grace and love

I was blind but now I can see

'Cause I found a new hope from above

And courage swept over me

I started listening to Adam Young / Owl City just earlier this year when a friend recommended his songs to me, particularly in the month of January and ever since then, I listened to his songs and just searched for traces of his faith and love for the Lord in his songs and this is one of those that I've caught as obviously grace-abounding.

A take home verse on God's grace that sustains us for all the days of our lives:

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NCV)

But he said to me, "My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you." So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ's power can live in me.

Let's be happy that we are weak because we can experience more of His grace in our weakness. His strength is perfected in our weakness and He is the one who enables us to do all things. :)

Being a Prodigal Son

How far can I go from home?

I've walked a million miles and I still can remember the things that I'm leaving behind. I guess it's not really the distance that'll separate me from them but somehow, I can't help but believe that if I just keep going on everything will change. It won't be like before and everything will just be of a surprise to me. A new land. A new place. A fresh start.

I've probably crossed a couple of mountains, hundreds of villages and met numerous people but none of which made a mark to me. They're all just faces, nothing more, nothing less. People probably think I'm heartless and selfish but what they have to understand is I'm just being honest here. I see nothing of particular value in everything that I saw or meet --all I want is to go away from everything --including them.

Solitude is good for me --for a couple of days. After which, you'll be hungry for human interaction that will make you party and dance the whole week long and then you'll realize that you are craving for solitude again. There's joy in being alone, the idea of just letting your thoughts out, writing them down and even taking the time to reflect on who I am. Not everyone is able to answer the question "Who are you?" and yet, somehow, even if I spend a billion days thinking, I can't think of the best way or the proper way to answer the question. It's a mystery how I've gone so far and yet I am not familiar with who I am. I must go on.

Books! They're a good source of ideas. It's amazing how books can help you know who you are! You read this book and it turns out that I'm a very Phlegmatic person but also very very Choleric because I am a very passionate and expressive individual. As I turn to more books, I read that I value quality time very much --so when was the last time I spent quality time with Him? All I've been doing is walking and running and walking and running again --believing that it was all for Him, not knowing that I'm moving a step closer away from Him.

So what have I been doing all this time? All I wanted is to run away from the town of destruction but why is it that as I run away from there, I'm also running away from You? I don't understand. Is there such thing as being caught in the middle in these kind of set-ups?

I sat down and think.

I'm lost in my way and now I don't know what to do.

My heart wants to seek You but why is it not skipping a beat?

Is it really my mind that is demanding my heart to seek You?

It doesn't make sense.

And as I sit on this rock, beside the road, I remembered something. I can turn to You for help. I've been so far off the road and I'm not sure what to do to get back to the right track but I'll retrace my steps and search for the path that leads to You. I see no future in a road that doesn't lead to You since You are the only way that I know that leads to life.

As I turn back and walk and walk, wasting day after day, still hoping that the next road is the path that lead to You.

I really feel tired and beaten up after all the walk I had to take just to find where I've lost You and still I can see that it's a long way to go. I feel like giving up but I really believe that there's no point going forward without You. So the next day as I set out, I struggled with myself on how much I want to just give up against my desire to go on. The painful process of going back --seeing everything that I ran away from. The things I've discarded when I was moving forward. How can I not feel discouraged? Can You blame me? I knew that as I go back, I'll meet more people, hear more stories and remember deeper secrets that I wanted to forget. Painful. Seriously.

How much longer, Lord?

As I walk down the road, I froze at what I saw. An old friend whom I have left behind. An old friend whom I betrayed because I believed I'm pursuing You more than anything else. Why am I seeing this person now --and yet I feel this great love and compassion towards this person --compassion that is accompanied by a deep heavy feeling --guilt. Why am I guilty? What is this guilt that I feel that I do not understand? I was pursuing You! I did everything for You so why am I guilty??? This is crazy!

...when I shut up I understood. The person wasn't the issue, it was really me. I never forgave myself for leaving and ruining somebody else's life when I decided to pursue You. I let somebody stumble just because I'm using You as a cover up for something else. This mirage has exposed a part of me that I wanted to deny, forget and let go but I can't because I haven't forgiven myself.

At that moment, the sky cried with me. I sat down by the road and the mirage disappeared but the truth and the pain didn't. Reality has met me half-way and I can't escape anymore. As I sank deeper and deeper, I feel like a seed being planted on the soil. I wish I can die and just be a plant but I know that when I die, my body will just rot and become fertilizer for the soil. I have no other choice but to stand up and go on. I shakily stood up as I fought the tears in my eyes --I don't want to face anymore ghost of my past but I also can't afford to allow it to distract me from pursuing You. Just as I stood up, my knees gave away and as I accepted the fact that my life is a mess, I felt Your loving arms catch me before I hit the ground.

I caught a glimpse of Your feet, Your sandals are worn out, have You been walking a lot? Were You planning to meet me halfway? I never got the answer because all that I felt is overwhelming love and it's more than enough to shut my mind and my mouth from asking any further.

That night, I sat in front of the bonfire, seating a bit distant from You. I want to move closer and give You a tight hug because seriously, I MISS YOU! But somehow I can't because I remember my mistakes and my past. I want to cry because why can You be so near and yet I can't hug You? Why are You just in front of me and I can't confess how much I love You? Oh dear heart, what is wrong with you? Oh dear mind, can I just discard you?

I miss You so much and I am CRAZY for more of You. Father, here is Your daughter. I didn't know how much of a prodigal daughter I've been these past few months and now, I want You more than anything else. Hug me tight and let me sing of my love for You. Let me dance and praise to the audience of One. Let me write stories and poems of my love for You and much better, of Your love for me. I want to say all these things and yet, I sit so silently beside You.

Meekness.

To be passionate doesn't mean I have to be overly expressive and talkative about it, there is a deeper passion in just staying still and let them see your heart more than your overly expressive actions. I am reminded of Your Words: “Be still and know that I am God…” (Psalm 46:10)

So I decided to let my head lean on Your shoulder, yeah. I need that. I don't want to go excited and jump and be talkative, just leaning on You is more than enough for me. It brings comfort and joy just sitting beside You and watch the fire continue to burn. Not uttering a word. Not moving much. Just sitting. Staying still.

You know I love You, I don't have to say it.

You know my voice, I don't have to sing.

You know my heart, I don't have to express it.

All I need is to sit at Your presence and remember that even though the journey has been hard and painful, You are my resting place. You are my assurance and hope. This journey is just a way of illuminating Your love for me more. The journey has been tough and it’s not over, but somehow, just reminding me that You are my resting place, my place of peace and assurance, gives me strength to go on. You are my hope.

Now I know how much of a prodigal daughter I've been. Running away from my mistakes is like running away from Him. I'm learning how to forgive myself. I don't need to walk alone anymore, You are my companion every step of the way.

I finally understand. Running away leads me nowhere but, I'm just so thankful that like the son, I can go back to my Father who welcomes me with open arms. I can rest in Him and be refreshed of His love.

There is freedom in His love.

John 8:36 (NIV)

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

My Journey

The characters, plot, places, and other stuff that you will read in here are based on a time when I was still a young girl. It was an unexpected day where I was miserable, left alone, and had to walk on my own and in the course of my walk, I met someone who helped me get home safely. This is my 4th year paper for our own Metaphorical Journey inspired from Dante Allegeri's Inferno. Hope you enjoy reading it:

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TERRACE I: The Darkness

“Mom…? Dad…?” a little voice cried shakily in the midst of the darkness followed by quiet continuous sobs “Sister? Brother…? Are you there? Please don’t leave me alone here…” the little voice cried in a way that her words were suffocating her and that she was choking them out and, at the same time, asking to no one in particular for in the sea of darkness, there was no way to tell whether or not somebody was there.

“I’m sorry” she cried, sobbing more “I won’t cry anymore… I’ll be stronger… please help me… somebody…” and yet there was still no answer.

The little girl felt lonely so she curled up and hugged her knees tightly and continued to sob. She couldn’t even tell where she is because the darkness was so overwhelming, she couldn’t see, feel, taste, hear or even speak properly. She cried, more quietly this time, and kept on whispering words like “I’m alone…” and “They hate me…” or “I don’t deserve to live…”

“What are you saying?” a voice that sounded like a beautiful song asked quietly.

“Leave me alone” was her reply and continued whispering words to herself. She was no longer crying but rather, she was contemplating all the negative events in her life.

“Why are you mad?” the voice asked with the same singsong voice.

“Why do you care?” the girl angrily asked “Leave me alone”

“I can’t” the voice replied.

“Why is that?” she asked in irritation.

“…because you called me” the voice replied.

“When did I call you?” she asked. “Are you dad? Brother?”

“You forgot when you called me?” he asked in a surprised tone and seemed sad “I’m neither your dad nor your brother”

“Then you got the wrong person…” the girl replied and was about to curl up again when she felt a warm hand over her shoulder. For the first time, the girl felt something. It was warm and comforting, his hand over her shoulder reminded her of someone… someone she used to go with all the time, but forgot somewhere along the way.

“I don’t think I’m mistaken” he said with a small chuckle “I know that you’re the one who called me… I am sure it is you”

“Then when did I call you?” the little girl asked. Somehow, her irritation was gone and she felt a little more relaxed now that this person was with her.

“All the time… you always did” he laughed again. Every time he laughs, the girl felt more alive, stronger and livelier. Without realizing it, she was already following the stranger’s energy that made her stand up.

When she successfully stood up, she once again realized her surrounding – the darkness and even though she was holding his hand, she wasn’t sure whether or not it was real or not. She immediately fell on her knees and started crying.

“Why are you doing this?” she asked in despair.

“What?” he asked.

“Why do you have that wonderful voice and that warm touch that lifts my hopes up?” she asked angrily “You make me feel like I can escape from this eternal darkness but how can I? How can we? What can you do when you yourself can’t see anything in here?”

“Little one” he said as he placed his hand on the girl’s head “Do not rely on what you see because that is what makes you afraid, close your eyes and trust me”

“How can I trust you?” she asked quietly, as fat tears swelled up in her eyes “I don’t even know you at all!”

“It is up to you to decide. You called me so here I am” he said in a patient voice “No matter how long your decision will take I will remain here, waiting. If you want to go with me then we shall leave but if you want me to go… then I will do so”

The little girl stared at the darkness around her. She felt the loneliness, the despair that the place posses. She placed both her hands in her heart and closed her eyes and whispered something quietly.

“I believe you have made your decision” he said quietly and he took her hand.

“Can I ask for your name?” the girl asked quietly.

“I don’t have to tell you because you know it” he replied as they continued walking in the darkness.

 

TERRACE II: The Sounds

For who knows how long, the man and the young girl walked and walked into the endless darkness without any assurance of finding any sign of light.

“Ummm…” the little girl asked quietly “Do you think I’ll be able to see my family again?”

“What makes you think that way? Of course you will” he said. He halted from walking and kneeled to face the girl, he touched her face with both his hands and said “We are almost there. I will never lead you astray because I don’t want to lose your trust”

The girl nodded quietly with her eyes still closed. She suddenly tightened her grip when she heard a desperate scream.

“What is that?” she asked in panic but the man did not answered. “Mister… I’m scared”

“Do not open your eyes” he instructed but as they continued to walk, the screams were becoming more and more distracting that the little girl was actually shaking as they walk on. She couldn’t help imagine a lot of things and the more she hears the desperate screams, the more afraid she felt.

“Mi…Mister” her voice stuttered “I… I…” she was surprised when they suddenly stopped and a very frightful scream of a familiar voice can be heard. Tears started falling from her closed eyes.

“What is wrong?” he asked quietly.

She didn’t reply but continued crying. She fell on her knees and continued crying yet she kept her eyes closed. The man kneeled towards her and waited for her to speak.

“I’m scared…” she quietly said and continued crying “I… I… that scream” she continued crying but whenever she can, she tried to choke out the words that she wants to say “…my mom’s… and my dad’s!”

The man remained quiet and let her cry as much as she wants.

“What is it about your mom and dad that makes you sad?” he asked when she seemed to have calmed down.

“I… I’m not sure” she said truthfully “The voice I heard reminded me of them… Mister, are they hurt?”

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” he asked quietly.

“I… I don’t want to” she replied quietly.

“Why?”

“Because… if I see them, I might not want to get out of this place…” she said quietly as if trying to find the words.

“Speak of the truth” he said.

“I’m scared to know” she quietly replied and clung on to him tightly “I’m not sure if what I’m hearing is true and… I don’t really know” and she buried her face into his chest “I’m scared…”

“My little one” he said with a calm voice that seemed to have assured the little girl “Don’t worry, everything will be alright” he then carried her and whispered “Trust me, everything will be alright”

The girl nodded in response and fell asleep after all her crying.

 

TERRACE III: The Stranger

“Little one… wake up” the beautiful voice whispered sweetly towards the young girl in his arms. The little one quietly moved and opened her eyes. She was surprised to see the light that surrounds the whole area. As if for the first time in her life, she saw the beauty of the trees, the land, the sky, the leaves… everything was a work of art and its beauty was so overwhelming she started dancing.

“Such beauty! Isn’t this place wonderful? Oh mister, thank you! Thank you!” she cried happily as she stretched her arms up to the sky and happily cheered in a loud voice “Thank you, thank you!”

“I’m glad you’re happy now” he replied not leaving the darkness of the cave.

“Mister” she said reaching out towards him “Please come out to the light! It is so beautiful! Thank you for guiding me!”

“Little one, do you remember me now?” he asked quietly.

The girl’s eyes widened as she slowly let go of his hand. It made her think of who he really was. “I…” she said quietly said “I’m not sure”. She stared at her feet and felt a bit down “I’m not sure”

She felt ashamed not to remember him at all.

He placed his hand on her head and said “That is okay young one, there will come a time wherein you will no longer be as young as you are but you will be lost again in the darkness but don’t forget to always call for me because I will always come to your side”

“Mister… can I ask for your name so I will never forget?” she asked quietly.

He smiled as his face slowly came out from the darkness and was illuminated by the bright light and mouthed his name. The little girl smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek and said “Thank you very much. You are no longer a stranger now”

“I have never been one” he said with a wink and went back inside the darkness.

“Please help the others” the little girl cheered happily as she watched him walk away. “See you soon, Jesus Christ”

Unfinished Story

This morning, I did something unusual: I checked the "DRAFTS" of my email. It's not really a weird and scary thing but it's more on... why did I bother to do that today? I have a long list of work to do but I had to sit down and really check my drafts one by one. So As I was browsing through my unsent emails and some links that I just saved, I saw this story that I've written that I can't remember now. It's kind of long so beware:

I closed my eyes. I can't breathe. I tried to suck in the remaining air around me but there's just not enough oxygen for my already exhausted body. I guess this is the end. Can I just say.... goodbye?

"Mikan! Move out!" a short-haired woman cried as she pushed me out of the way. I was also able to react and we were able to evade the large truck that was thrown our way. Thankfully, I placed a teleportation alice in me, which made moving from one distance to the other easier.

"Sorry..." I said. I was finding it hard to move or to breathe. We've been running around ever since I woke up this morning --I actually didn't slept. My body was weak and my mind was going blank. I had no idea what to do anymore and everything just felt like a very distant dream, a bad one at that.

"Move to the sides, we'll make a quick escape by that time, okay?" she confirmed. I nodded as I stared at her. This wasn't the kind of reunion my mom would probably want for the both of us. In the middle of a fight, struggling to survive. I bet she was disappointed after all the times that she had been waiting for us.

My mom made a quick glance from behind where her trusted partner Shiki was waiting. They both nodded and moved. I was to move back as far as possible as they try to divert the enemies in another direction. I teleported as far as I can but though their attempt to divert them was a success, there were still some going after me. I was an easy catch. As I teleported from tree to tree, trunk after trunk, I was no longer sure where I was going. I saw a burrow and immediate teleported there and hid myself. If there was one thing I had as an advantage, I have a nullification alice. No matter how much they try to search their area using their alice, I will nullify it to hid myself.

Silently, I hid myself. I can hear footsteps all around me. Leaves rustling here and there. I tried my best to stifle any sound that I produce. If possible, not breathe even if I needed more air. I watched from inside the burrow. It was dark and there was no way to tell where a person is.

After a few more moments, everything was quiet. I wanted to relax but it was too early to do so. I still have to find my mom and Shiki. As I took a deep breathe, I stared at the entrance of the burrow and saw a foot. I shivered.

"Mikan" the familiar voice said. It was mom! I wanted to come out but I wanted to wait for her to call again "Mikan, where are you? Shiki and I are here?"

I just watched her feet move in front of the burrow. I didn't move. There was something peculiar going on and I wasn't sure what. As I waited longer, I heard the female voice turn into a man. "That rotten kid is nowhere to be found"

"Yeah... I can't use my alice to find her... she's a nullifier" another voice said.

"Let's move over there"

"Sure"

And there was silence. I hugged my knees to comfort myself. It was cold and I was alone. So much has happened and I don't know what to do anymore. As I sank into my own thoughts, I heard a loud rustling sound of somebody walking towards where I was. I remained still like earlier.

As I tried not to breathe, I almost screamed when somebody entered the burrow. He immediately went towards me and fell. I stared in shock.

"NATSUME!" I cried in a not so loud voice.

"I knew you would hide here" he said trying his best to seat up but he seems so tired, he was literally passing his body weight to me. I helped him sit up but he was just too weak so I allowed him to place his head on my lap and let him rest. I stroke his hair quietly as I stared at his tired face.

As I did that, he opened his eyes and pinched my nose making me blush in surprise.

"Idiot..." he said "Stop playing with my hair or I'll burn yours"

I couldn't help but smile at what he said. After this long day, it was the most relieving statement I've heard all day. We've been running around, finding out who my parents were. Everything exhausted me. Everything was tear-jerking and I felt like my eyes were so dried out, I wouldn't be able to cry in years.

"Thanks Natsume" I said as he closed his eyes again. As I smiled, I couldn't help but believe that we can still have a better day after this. At that moment, tears fell down from my eyes. I didn't know why but they just fell. Not stopping but flowing continuously. I know that Natsume knew I was crying, some of my tears fell on his face but he did not say anything to stop me, he just let me cry my heart out.

The night was long but I knew it was far from over.

----O.o-----

When I woke up, I realized that I was leaning on Natsume's chest. He didn't seem to bother and he seemed like he was at peace but I immediately moved away knowing that he was more tired that I am. He didn't seem to bother that I moved, he remained unmoved.

"Natsume" I started as I faced him.

He didn't react. I guess he was too tired to even react. I tried to look around and see what was happening outside but I don't want to dare go out of the burrow. Somehow, Natsume's presence made the burrow felt like a home to me.

As I took a peak outside, I saw the bright morning light shine upon us. I had no idea what time was it but it was bright and the sun was up. I tried to listen for any sound but there was nothing. Using my teleportation alice, I moved from one distance to another quietly. Everything was quiet, it was scary. As I searched the area more, I heard a nearby stream with it's peaceful flowing sound. I went to it with caution and washed my face. After doing so, I took my handkerchief and dipped it into the water.

When I got back at the burrow, Natsume was awake.

"Where did you go?" he asked demandingly.

"I just searched the area and see if there is anybody" I said approaching him and I wiped his face. "I found a nearby stream to freshen myself up"

He didn't react anymore. He was already too weak to even stand up, let alone find me that evening.

"Natsume" I said as I wiped his wounds "Take care of yourself"

He didn't react. I continued to at least try to clean his wounds but he was quiet all the while. When I was finished, we sat there in peace.

After probably an hour or so of waiting, Mikan felt her stomach grumble. She didn't bother to say anything about it because she knew that Natsume would be hungry too.

"You're hungry?" he asked quietly. I didn't want to answer his question but my stomach kept on rumbling for me to deny.

I just nodded quietly. He suddenly stood up a bit shakily and I supported him immediately.

"Let's look for food" was all he said and we went out of the burrow quietly. When I first went out, I was petrified, but somehow, Natsume's presence assured me that it'll be all okay.

So I based this story on my favorite Manga/Japanese Comics: Gakuen Alice or Alice Academy. This is actually a fan-made story. So I'm a fan and I wrote this story. It's been a while since I last read this Manga. After deciding to stop reading for a while, I have lost track of the story and the characters. From time to time, I reminisce but it's not the same as before. So when I saw this fanfiction that I've made, I can't help but laugh. I actually do write about things like these? Huh? I can't help but laugh at the thought but I actually do. I have an account for writing fanfictions but even when I stopped watching animes and such, why do I still love to write? The passion for creativity and writing a good story has never died in my heart... I wonder why?

This is my favorite scene so far. It's not because the mom died but it's the part where Natsume willingly gave his Healing Alice Stone. Natsume's life span is short, every time he uses his power called alice (his is fire), he actually uses part of his life. So when he's weak, he uses this Healing Alice Stone to heal his wounds. So why did I love this scene? Because when he gave away his alice stone, he actually gave up the possibility to live longer. Sacrifice. It reminded me of the One who died so I may live.

I'm not the best writer out there but the passion to write never died down. I still want to write and I still want to continue writing. Recently, several stories have been developing in my mind and how I want to open a laptop and start typing about my thoughts, ideas and the story that I want to develop but I always find it awkward to write when somebody is around or when I am distracted but unlike the story above, I haven't forgotten the plot of the most recent story I had in mind. I have more than 3 stories recurring in my mind, stories that I've developed since my high school days and I'm going detail per detail in planning how the plot should go. I guess the biggest setback now is actually producing the book. Haha.

BUT I have a confession here. Unlike before where I am willing to compromise my standards, I somehow can't and will not let my standards be compromised just because it's a story. My thoughts and imaginations are now influenced by my Christianity and I can't help but just let the best love story that God wrote for me reflect in the stories that I write. I haven't found the "one" I am to marry --if I will marry--but I do found the One who has died on the cross for me. Jesus is more than enough.

I'm also sharing a good song on what Jesus sees in us. It's "What Love Sees" by Mac Powell :)

The Vine

Source: Karen's Whimsy

John 15:1-2  (NCV) I am the true vine; my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that does not produce fruit. And he trims and cleans every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce even more fruit.

Happy Day 6!

The one week fasting is almost over and it happened so fast I felt like my life just flashed before my eyes. Today, I thought it was a Friday only to realize that it's a Wednesday! It's a LONG week because I never realized that I had so much time but in a way, it also felt so fast because everything's just happening one after the other. I just felt like everything's moving so fast but in a slow-mo moment.

Anyway, I'm blogging because these past few days, God just kept pounding my heart, breaking it into a billion pieces. I feel hurt and torn but also at peace and well-loved. Weird? YES! God has been dealing with me and different issues of my heart that I didn't know I had before --well, I knew I had them I just didn't know how to deal with them and now, God is answering my prayers and as He deals with my issues, I really feel torn apart but so thankful for the whole thing. I feel torn apart because the process is painful: rejection, disappointments and a whole lot others but the thankfulness comes with the fact that I am part of the vine! I am part of the vine and Jesus is trimming me! He is cleaning everything that hinders me from bearing fruit and I can sincerely claim that He is pushing me to go for a next level of walk with Him.

Daniel 3:17-18 (NCV) If you throw us into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from the furnace. He will save us from your power, O king. But even if God does not save us, we want you, O king, to know this: We will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up."

Last night, I read 1 Peter 5 but because I couldn't feel that God is clearly speaking to me through that bible chapter, I decided to seek a different book. I wanted to read Nahum but when I passed by the Book of Daniel, I felt God telling me to read chapter 3 and I highlighted that part.

As God is trimming me from the inside, He is also planting a heart of no compromise in me! A heart that seeks to honor Him more than anything else in this world. I know I can't do that but only through grace alone but I am amazed and humbled by the things God is doing to me even if it can be very painful at the moment. He is looking at something that is eternal, so the pain is temporary but the character that will be refined as I feel the fire consume me is something that will last forever.

Hunger Pangs

Credits to: The Daily Green

It's DAY 4 of Prayer and Fasting!

The past few days had been AWESOME. I definitely feel weaker than before and working, analyzing and just doing the stuff I'm supposed to do here in the office adds a bit to the mental-gymnastics but that's not the point of praying and fasting. I fast and pray because I want to be hungry and be filled with the Holy Spirit. 2012 has come and what better way to start the year is to seek Him. God is on top of my priority list.

Just to share a gist of what happened the past few days, I've attend the daily prayer meetings at the VCF Pioneer Mainhall every 7pm to 9pm. I always arrive when the worship team is already singing and everyone is on their feet worshiping the Lord. I position myself in a corner where I can seat on the floor and rest my back on the wall. I prefer that because it makes me feel at home which makes the whole worship experience more personal. So as I rest my back on the whole, for the past worships, I've been crying my heart out in thanksgiving and praise to Him! He has come through for me so much and I feel so undeserving to have Him and receive His mercy and grace yet you can feel His presence there, beside you.

I've met Jona in the 2nd day of Prayer and Fasting. She's a new believer who is excited to be water baptized. I'm amazed at how meek and peaceful she is, taking the moment that even if she's alone, she went ahead and showed up to worship the Lord. AMAZING! The joy of worship isn't about the friends you have beside you but just that moment of singing and praising the God who created the world who cared enough to send His Son, Jesus Christ, to set you free from your sins. It's a memorable moment to just watch her sing and worship. I can't help but feel so blessed that God is calling out different people from different walks of life, regardless of age, all empowered by the Holy Spirit.

Yesterday is my first meeting with my Victory Group (VG). I discussed with them Exodus 17. I'll most probably a separate post on it but the whole point of Exodus 17 for me is how God asking us to come before Him, surrendering and obeying His will. In surrendering to God, there is victory! I personally experienced that last Saturday (Day 2) when I surrendered something that is BEYOND me. I can't act on it personally and I can't go to places. I felt so powerless and unable but God is really true to His promise that if I surrender it to God, He is faithful to help you! He came through. I thank God for answering my prayers!

A whole lot more have happened in the past three (3) days and because it's Day 4, only God knows what is to come! I know that God has prepared new surprises today and I trust Him that He will be with me in every step of the way.

Psalm 37:23-24

When people's steps follow the Lord, God is pleased with their ways.

If they stumble, they will not fall, because the Lord holds their hand.

Just want to share a song from Matt Redman:

More of Him, Less of me

Seven days of Prayer and Fasting!


Every year, our church, Victory Christian Fellowship (VCF), holds a seven-day prayer and fasting just a few days after the New Year celebration. It's a good kick-off for the year to seek God and ask for guidance and grace for the whole year. It's a season of going hungry not for the purpose of diet and to lose the holiday flabs but to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

The first time I heard about this, I was very excited. It's 2010 and I felt that I want to join but partially hesitating. Because of my lack of enthusiasm and want to participate, I wasn't able to complete the one-week fasting and just felt like I'm more of dieting than actually praying and fasting. Fasting without prayer is dieting, by the way.

So when 2011 came, I really prepared myself not realizing that God was preparing me more. Days before the scheduled date, I've slowly loss apetite. I didn't bother eating much and I wanted to eat more fruits than actual meals and a day before, somebody told me that the fasting starts tomorrow! Of course I panicked. Last year was a mess and I don't want to mess up this year but by His grace alone everything went well. I had an amazing encounter and I feel so blessed to fast and pray and worship Him with an empty stomach with a full heart.

2011 has been an amazing year and I felt that fasting is a great way to kick-off the year which is why I'm participating in the fast again this year. I know it's becoming an annual thing but I have to say that even if it is an annual thing, it's not the same every year. This year, I have more specific goals and I have more things that I'm praying for. Things that I believe God is planting in my heart! Yesterday is the official day when the fasting starts and after attending the prayer and worship last night.. WOW. I feel so blessed.

This is just me being me... taking a picture of my "Angry Bird" with the "DAY 1" I made myself! hahahaha

When I came to the new Pioneer Center last night, I have a lot in mind, burdens and annoyances, concerns and crazy thoughts but as we all worshiped and prayed, slowly I felt my knees giving away and my eyes crying like there's no tomorrow. God speaking directly into my heart and I felt that He loves me, He cares for me and that I seriously need Him more than anything or anyone else in my life. It's difficult to explain the encounter I had with God but more than anything else, I just feel so blessed, so loved and so happy that I can worship God forever.

It's just Day 1 and I'm believing for more encounter this coming days! Praises to God!!! :)