Jeremiah 1:7-8 But the Lord said to me, "Don't say, 'I am only a boy.' You must go everywhere I send you, and you must say everything I tell you to say. Don't be afraid of anyone, because I am with you to protect you," says the Lord.
I started listening to Adam Young / Owl City just earlier this year when a friend recommended his songs to me, particularly in the month of January and ever since then, I listened to his songs and just searched for traces of his faith and love for the Lord in his songs and this is one of those that I've caught as obviously grace-abounding.
A take home verse on God's grace that sustains us for all the days of our lives:
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NCV)
But he said to me, "My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you." So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ's power can live in me.
Let's be happy that we are weak because we can experience more of His grace in our weakness. His strength is perfected in our weakness and He is the one who enables us to do all things. :)
I've walked a million
miles and I still can remember the things that I'm leaving behind. I guess it's
not really the distance that'll separate me from them but somehow, I can't help
but believe that if I just keep going on everything will change. It won't be
like before and everything will just be of a surprise to me. A new land. A new
place. A fresh start.
I've probably crossed
a couple of mountains, hundreds of villages and met numerous people but none of
which made a mark to me. They're all just faces, nothing more, nothing less.
People probably think I'm heartless and selfish but what they have to
understand is I'm just being honest here. I see nothing of particular value in
everything that I saw or meet --all I want is to go away from everything
--including them.
Solitude is good for
me --for a couple of days. After which, you'll be hungry for human interaction
that will make you party and dance the whole week long and then you'll realize
that you are craving for solitude again. There's joy in being alone, the idea
of just letting your thoughts out, writing them down and even taking the time to
reflect on who I am. Not everyone is able to answer the question "Who are
you?" and yet, somehow, even if I spend a billion days thinking, I can't
think of the best way or the proper way to answer the question. It's a mystery
how I've gone so far and yet I am not familiar with who I am. I must go on.
Books! They're a good
source of ideas. It's amazing how books can help you know who you are! You read
this book and it turns out that I'm a very Phlegmatic person but also very very
Choleric because I am a very passionate and expressive individual. As I turn to
more books, I read that I value quality time very much --so when was the last
time I spent quality time with Him? All I've been doing is walking and running
and walking and running again --believing that it was all for Him, not knowing
that I'm moving a step closer away from Him.
So what have I been
doing all this time? All I wanted is to run away from the town of destruction
but why is it that as I run away from there, I'm also running away from You? I
don't understand. Is there such thing as being caught in the middle in these
kind of set-ups?
I sat down and think.
I'm lost in my way and
now I don't know what to do.
My heart wants to seek
You but why is it not skipping a beat?
Is it really my mind
that is demanding my heart to seek You?
It
doesn't make sense.
And as I sit on this
rock, beside the road, I remembered something. I can turn to You for help. I've
been so far off the road and I'm not sure what to do to get back to the right
track but I'll retrace my steps and search for the path that leads to You. I
see no future in a road that doesn't lead to You since You are the only way
that I know that leads to life.
As I turn back and
walk and walk, wasting day after day, still hoping that the next road is the
path that lead to You.
I really feel tired
and beaten up after all the walk I had to take just to find where I've lost You
and still I can see that it's a long way to go. I feel like giving up but I
really believe that there's no point going forward without You. So the next day
as I set out, I struggled with myself on how much I want to just give up
against my desire to go on. The painful process of going back --seeing
everything that I ran away from. The things I've discarded when I was moving
forward. How can I not feel discouraged? Can You blame me? I knew that as I go
back, I'll meet more people, hear more stories and remember deeper secrets that
I wanted to forget. Painful. Seriously.
How
much longer, Lord?
As I walk down the
road, I froze at what I saw. An old friend whom I have left behind. An old
friend whom I betrayed because I believed I'm pursuing You more than anything
else. Why am I seeing this person now --and yet I feel this great love and
compassion towards this person --compassion that is accompanied by a deep heavy
feeling --guilt. Why am I guilty? What is this guilt that I feel that I do not
understand? I was pursuing You! I did everything for You so why am I guilty???
This is crazy!
...when I shut up I
understood. The person wasn't the issue, it was really me. I never forgave
myself for leaving and ruining somebody else's life when I decided to pursue
You. I let somebody stumble just because I'm using You as a cover up for
something else. This mirage has exposed a part of me that I wanted to deny,
forget and let go but I can't because I haven't forgiven myself.
At that moment, the
sky cried with me. I sat down by the road and the mirage disappeared but the
truth and the pain didn't. Reality has met me half-way and I can't escape
anymore. As I sank deeper and deeper, I feel like a seed being planted on the
soil. I wish I can die and just be a plant but I know that when I die, my body
will just rot and become fertilizer for the soil. I have no other choice but to
stand up and go on. I shakily stood up as I fought the tears in my eyes --I
don't want to face anymore ghost of my past but I also can't afford to allow it
to distract me from pursuing You. Just as I stood up, my knees gave away and as
I accepted the fact that my life is a mess, I felt Your loving arms catch me
before I hit the ground.
I caught a glimpse of
Your feet, Your sandals are worn out,have You been walking a lot? Were You planning to meet me halfway? I
never got the answer because all that I felt is overwhelming love and it's more
than enough to shut my mind and my mouth from asking any further.
That night, I sat in
front of the bonfire, seating a bit distant from You. I want to move closer and
give You a tight hug because seriously, I MISS YOU! But somehow I can't because
I remember my mistakes and my past. I want to cry because why can You be so
near and yet I can't hug You? Why are You just in front of me and I can't
confess how much I love You? Oh dear heart, what is wrong with you? Oh dear
mind, can I just discard you?
I miss You so much and
I am CRAZY for more of You. Father, here is Your daughter. I didn't know how
much of a prodigal daughter I've been these past few months and now, I want You
more than anything else. Hug me tight and let me sing of my love for You. Let
me dance and praise to the audience of One. Let me write stories and poems of
my love for You and much better, of Your love for me. I want to say all these
things and yet, I sit so silently beside You.
Meekness.
To be passionate
doesn't mean I have to be overly expressive and talkative about it, there is a
deeper passion in just staying still and let them see your heart more than your
overly expressive actions. I am reminded of Your Words: “Be still and know that
I am God…” (Psalm 46:10)
So I decided to let my
head lean on Your shoulder, yeah. I need that. I don't want to go excited and
jump and be talkative, just leaning on You is more than enough for me. It
brings comfort and joy just sitting beside You and watch the fire continue to
burn. Not uttering a word. Not moving much. Just sitting.Staying still.
You
know I love You, I don't have to say it.
You
know my voice, I don't have to sing.
You
know my heart, I don't have to express it.
All I need is to sit
at Your presence and remember that even though the journey has been hard and
painful, You are my resting place. You are my assurance and hope. This journey
is just a way of illuminating Your love for me more. The journey has been tough
and it’s not over, but somehow, just reminding me that You are my resting
place, my place of peace and assurance, gives me strength to go on. You are my hope.
Now I know how much of
a prodigal daughter I've been. Running away from my mistakes is like running
away from Him. I'm learning how to forgive myself. I don't need to walk alone
anymore, You are my companion every step of the way.
I
finally understand. Running away leads me nowhere but, I'm just so thankful
that like the son, I can go back to my Father who welcomes me with open arms. I
can rest in Him and be refreshed of His love.
There is freedom in His love.
John 8:36 (NIV)
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
The characters, plot, places, and other stuff that you will read in here are based on a time when I was still a young girl. It was an unexpected day where I was miserable, left alone, and had to walk on my own and in the course of my walk, I met someone who helped me get home safely. This is my 4th year paper for our own Metaphorical Journey inspired from Dante Allegeri's Inferno. Hope you enjoy reading it:
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TERRACE I: The Darkness
“Mom…? Dad…?” a little voice cried shakily in the midst of
the darkness followed by quiet continuous sobs “Sister? Brother…? Are you
there? Please don’t leave me alone here…” the little voice cried in a way that
her words were suffocating her and that she was choking them out and, at the
same time, asking to no one in particular for in the sea of darkness, there was
no way to tell whether or not somebody was there.
“I’m sorry” she cried, sobbing more “I won’t cry anymore…
I’ll be stronger… please help me… somebody…” and yet there was still no answer.
The little girl felt lonely so she curled up and hugged her
knees tightly and continued to sob. She couldn’t even tell where she is because
the darkness was so overwhelming, she couldn’t see, feel, taste, hear or even
speak properly. She cried, more quietly this time, and kept on whispering words
like “I’m alone…” and “They hate me…” or “I don’t deserve to live…”
“What are you saying?” a voice that sounded like a beautiful
song asked quietly.
“Leave me alone” was her reply and continued whispering
words to herself. She was no longer crying but rather, she was contemplating
all the negative events in her life.
“Why are you mad?” the voice asked with the same singsong
voice.
“Why do you care?” the girl angrily asked “Leave me alone”
“I can’t” the voice replied.
“Why is that?” she asked in irritation.
“…because you called me” the voice replied.
“When did I call you?” she asked. “Are you dad? Brother?”
“You forgot when you called me?” he asked in a surprised
tone and seemed sad “I’m neither your dad nor your brother”
“Then you got the wrong person…” the girl replied and was
about to curl up again when she felt a warm hand over her shoulder. For the
first time, the girl felt something. It was warm and comforting, his hand over
her shoulder reminded her of someone… someone she used to go with all the time,
but forgot somewhere along the way.
“I don’t think I’m mistaken” he said with a small chuckle “I
know that you’re the one who called me… I am sure it is you”
“Then when did I call you?” the little girl asked. Somehow,
her irritation was gone and she felt a little more relaxed now that this person
was with her.
“All the time… you always did” he laughed again. Every time
he laughs, the girl felt more alive, stronger and livelier. Without realizing
it, she was already following the stranger’s energy that made her stand up.
When she successfully stood up, she once again realized her
surrounding – the darkness and even though she was holding his hand, she wasn’t
sure whether or not it was real or not. She immediately fell on her knees and
started crying.
“Why are you doing this?” she asked in despair.
“What?” he asked.
“Why do you have that wonderful voice and that warm touch
that lifts my hopes up?” she asked angrily “You make me feel like I can escape
from this eternal darkness but how can I? How can we? What can you do when you
yourself can’t see anything in here?”
“Little one” he said as he placed his hand on the girl’s
head “Do not rely on what you see because that is what makes you afraid, close
your eyes and trust me”
“How can I trust you?” she asked quietly, as fat tears
swelled up in her eyes “I don’t even know you at all!”
“It is up to you to decide. You called me so here I am” he
said in a patient voice “No matter how long your decision will take I will
remain here, waiting. If you want to go with me then we shall leave but if you
want me to go… then I will do so”
The little girl stared at the darkness around her. She felt
the loneliness, the despair that the place posses. She placed both her hands in
her heart and closed her eyes and whispered something quietly.
“I believe you have made your decision” he said quietly and
he took her hand.
“Can I ask for your name?” the girl asked quietly.
“I don’t have to tell you because you know it” he replied as
they continued walking in the darkness.
TERRACE II: The Sounds
For who knows how long, the man and the young girl walked
and walked into the endless darkness without any assurance of finding any sign
of light.
“Ummm…” the little girl asked quietly “Do you think I’ll be
able to see my family again?”
“What makes you think that way? Of course you will” he said.
He halted from walking and kneeled to face the girl, he touched her face with
both his hands and said “We are almost there. I will never lead you astray
because I don’t want to lose your trust”
The girl nodded quietly with her eyes still closed. She
suddenly tightened her grip when she heard a desperate scream.
“What is that?” she asked in panic but the man did not
answered. “Mister… I’m scared”
“Do not open your eyes” he instructed but as they continued
to walk, the screams were becoming more and more distracting that the little
girl was actually shaking as they walk on. She couldn’t help imagine a lot of
things and the more she hears the desperate screams, the more afraid she felt.
“Mi…Mister” her voice stuttered “I… I…” she was surprised
when they suddenly stopped and a very frightful scream of a familiar voice can
be heard. Tears started falling from her closed eyes.
“What is wrong?” he asked quietly.
She didn’t reply but continued crying. She fell on her knees
and continued crying yet she kept her eyes closed. The man kneeled towards her
and waited for her to speak.
“I’m scared…” she quietly said and continued crying “I… I…
that scream” she continued crying but whenever she can, she tried to choke out
the words that she wants to say “…my mom’s… and my dad’s!”
The man remained quiet and let her cry as much as she wants.
“What is it about your mom and dad that makes you sad?” he
asked when she seemed to have calmed down.
“I… I’m not sure” she said truthfully “The voice I heard
reminded me of them… Mister, are they hurt?”
“Why don’t you see for yourself?” he asked quietly.
“I… I don’t want to” she replied quietly.
“Why?”
“Because… if I see them, I might not want to get out of this
place…” she said quietly as if trying to find the words.
“Speak of the truth” he said.
“I’m scared to know” she quietly replied and clung on to him
tightly “I’m not sure if what I’m hearing is true and… I don’t really know” and
she buried her face into his chest “I’m scared…”
“My little one” he said with a calm voice that seemed to
have assured the little girl “Don’t worry, everything will be alright” he then
carried her and whispered “Trust me, everything will be alright”
The girl nodded in response and fell asleep after all her
crying.
TERRACE III: The Stranger
“Little one… wake up” the beautiful voice whispered sweetly
towards the young girl in his arms. The little one quietly moved and opened her
eyes. She was surprised to see the light that surrounds the whole area. As if
for the first time in her life, she saw the beauty of the trees, the land, the
sky, the leaves… everything was a work of art and its beauty was so overwhelming
she started dancing.
“Such beauty! Isn’t this place wonderful? Oh mister, thank
you! Thank you!” she cried happily as she stretched her arms up to the sky and
happily cheered in a loud voice “Thank you, thank you!”
“I’m glad you’re happy now” he replied not leaving the
darkness of the cave.
“Mister” she said reaching out towards him “Please come out
to the light! It is so beautiful! Thank you for guiding me!”
“Little one, do you remember me now?” he asked quietly.
The girl’s eyes widened as she slowly let go of his hand. It
made her think of who he really was. “I…” she said quietly said “I’m not sure”.
She stared at her feet and felt a bit down “I’m not sure”
She felt ashamed not to remember him at all.
He placed his hand on her head and said “That is okay young
one, there will come a time wherein you will no longer be as young as you are
but you will be lost again in the darkness but don’t forget to always call for
me because I will always come to your side”
“Mister… can I ask for your name so I will never forget?”
she asked quietly.
He smiled as his face slowly came out from the darkness and
was illuminated by the bright light and mouthed his name. The little girl
smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek and said “Thank you very much. You are
no longer a stranger now”
“I have never been one” he said with a wink and went back
inside the darkness.
“Please help the others” the little girl cheered happily as
she watched him walk away. “See you soon, Jesus Christ”
This morning, I did something unusual: I checked the "DRAFTS" of my email. It's not really a weird and scary thing but it's more on... why did I bother to do that today? I have a long list of work to do but I had to sit down and really check my drafts one by one. So As I was browsing through my unsent emails and some links that I just saved, I saw this story that I've written that I can't remember now. It's kind of long so beware:
I closed my eyes. I can't breathe. I tried to suck in the remaining air around me but there's just not enough oxygen for my already exhausted body. I guess this is the end. Can I just say.... goodbye?
"Mikan! Move out!" a short-haired woman cried as she pushed me out of the way. I was also able to react and we were able to evade the large truck that was thrown our way. Thankfully, I placed a teleportation alice in me, which made moving from one distance to the other easier.
"Sorry..." I said. I was finding it hard to move or to breathe. We've been running around ever since I woke up this morning --I actually didn't slept. My body was weak and my mind was going blank. I had no idea what to do anymore and everything just felt like a very distant dream, a bad one at that.
"Move to the sides, we'll make a quick escape by that time, okay?" she confirmed. I nodded as I stared at her. This wasn't the kind of reunion my mom would probably want for the both of us. In the middle of a fight, struggling to survive. I bet she was disappointed after all the times that she had been waiting for us.
My mom made a quick glance from behind where her trusted partner Shiki was waiting. They both nodded and moved. I was to move back as far as possible as they try to divert the enemies in another direction. I teleported as far as I can but though their attempt to divert them was a success, there were still some going after me. I was an easy catch. As I teleported from tree to tree, trunk after trunk, I was no longer sure where I was going. I saw a burrow and immediate teleported there and hid myself. If there was one thing I had as an advantage, I have a nullification alice. No matter how much they try to search their area using their alice, I will nullify it to hid myself.
Silently, I hid myself. I can hear footsteps all around me. Leaves rustling here and there. I tried my best to stifle any sound that I produce. If possible, not breathe even if I needed more air. I watched from inside the burrow. It was dark and there was no way to tell where a person is.
After a few more moments, everything was quiet. I wanted to relax but it was too early to do so. I still have to find my mom and Shiki. As I took a deep breathe, I stared at the entrance of the burrow and saw a foot. I shivered.
"Mikan" the familiar voice said. It was mom! I wanted to come out but I wanted to wait for her to call again "Mikan, where are you? Shiki and I are here?"
I just watched her feet move in front of the burrow. I didn't move. There was something peculiar going on and I wasn't sure what. As I waited longer, I heard the female voice turn into a man. "That rotten kid is nowhere to be found"
"Yeah... I can't use my alice to find her... she's a nullifier" another voice said.
"Let's move over there"
"Sure"
And there was silence. I hugged my knees to comfort myself. It was cold and I was alone. So much has happened and I don't know what to do anymore. As I sank into my own thoughts, I heard a loud rustling sound of somebody walking towards where I was. I remained still like earlier.
As I tried not to breathe, I almost screamed when somebody entered the burrow. He immediately went towards me and fell. I stared in shock.
"NATSUME!" I cried in a not so loud voice.
"I knew you would hide here" he said trying his best to seat up but he seems so tired, he was literally passing his body weight to me. I helped him sit up but he was just too weak so I allowed him to place his head on my lap and let him rest. I stroke his hair quietly as I stared at his tired face.
As I did that, he opened his eyes and pinched my nose making me blush in surprise.
"Idiot..." he said "Stop playing with my hair or I'll burn yours"
I couldn't help but smile at what he said. After this long day, it was the most relieving statement I've heard all day. We've been running around, finding out who my parents were. Everything exhausted me. Everything was tear-jerking and I felt like my eyes were so dried out, I wouldn't be able to cry in years.
"Thanks Natsume" I said as he closed his eyes again. As I smiled, I couldn't help but believe that we can still have a better day after this. At that moment, tears fell down from my eyes. I didn't know why but they just fell. Not stopping but flowing continuously. I know that Natsume knew I was crying, some of my tears fell on his face but he did not say anything to stop me, he just let me cry my heart out.
The night was long but I knew it was far from over.
----O.o-----
When I woke up, I realized that I was leaning on Natsume's chest. He didn't seem to bother and he seemed like he was at peace but I immediately moved away knowing that he was more tired that I am. He didn't seem to bother that I moved, he remained unmoved.
"Natsume" I started as I faced him.
He didn't react. I guess he was too tired to even react. I tried to look around and see what was happening outside but I don't want to dare go out of the burrow. Somehow, Natsume's presence made the burrow felt like a home to me.
As I took a peak outside, I saw the bright morning light shine upon us. I had no idea what time was it but it was bright and the sun was up. I tried to listen for any sound but there was nothing. Using my teleportation alice, I moved from one distance to another quietly. Everything was quiet, it was scary. As I searched the area more, I heard a nearby stream with it's peaceful flowing sound. I went to it with caution and washed my face. After doing so, I took my handkerchief and dipped it into the water.
When I got back at the burrow, Natsume was awake.
"Where did you go?" he asked demandingly.
"I just searched the area and see if there is anybody" I said approaching him and I wiped his face. "I found a nearby stream to freshen myself up"
He didn't react anymore. He was already too weak to even stand up, let alone find me that evening.
"Natsume" I said as I wiped his wounds "Take care of yourself"
He didn't react. I continued to at least try to clean his wounds but he was quiet all the while. When I was finished, we sat there in peace.
After probably an hour or so of waiting, Mikan felt her stomach grumble. She didn't bother to say anything about it because she knew that Natsume would be hungry too.
"You're hungry?" he asked quietly. I didn't want to answer his question but my stomach kept on rumbling for me to deny.
I just nodded quietly. He suddenly stood up a bit shakily and I supported him immediately.
"Let's look for food" was all he said and we went out of the burrow quietly. When I first went out, I was petrified, but somehow, Natsume's presence assured me that it'll be all okay.
So I based this story on my favorite Manga/Japanese Comics: Gakuen Alice or Alice Academy. This is actually a fan-made story. So I'm a fan and I wrote this story. It's been a while since I last read this Manga. After deciding to stop reading for a while, I have lost track of the story and the characters. From time to time, I reminisce but it's not the same as before. So when I saw this fanfiction that I've made, I can't help but laugh. I actually do write about things like these? Huh? I can't help but laugh at the thought but I actually do. I have an account for writing fanfictions but even when I stopped watching animes and such, why do I still love to write? The passion for creativity and writing a good story has never died in my heart... I wonder why?
This is my favorite scene so far. It's not because the mom died but it's the part where Natsume willingly gave his Healing Alice Stone. Natsume's life span is short, every time he uses his power called alice (his is fire), he actually uses part of his life. So when he's weak, he uses this Healing Alice Stone to heal his wounds. So why did I love this scene? Because when he gave away his alice stone, he actually gave up the possibility to live longer. Sacrifice. It reminded me of the One who died so I may live.
I'm not the best writer out there but the passion to write never died down. I still want to write and I still want to continue writing. Recently, several stories have been developing in my mind and how I want to open a laptop and start typing about my thoughts, ideas and the story that I want to develop but I always find it awkward to write when somebody is around or when I am distracted but unlike the story above, I haven't forgotten the plot of the most recent story I had in mind. I have more than 3 stories recurring in my mind, stories that I've developed since my high school days and I'm going detail per detail in planning how the plot should go. I guess the biggest setback now is actually producing the book. Haha.
BUT I have a confession here. Unlike before where I am willing to compromise my standards, I somehow can't and will not let my standards be compromised just because it's a story. My thoughts and imaginations are now influenced by my Christianity and I can't help but just let the best love story that God wrote for me reflect in the stories that I write. I haven't found the "one" I am to marry --if I will marry--but I do found the One who has died on the cross for me. Jesus is more than enough.
I'm also sharing a good song on what Jesus sees in us. It's "What Love Sees" by Mac Powell :)
