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How many times have I listened to Misty sing "As far as the East is from the West, that's how far... He removed transgression from us". I've heard it a gazillion times but somehow, it never sank in because I still haven't learned how to forgive.
I've had my share of impatience, annoyance and anger and I've learned that to spare those who has hurt me, never really realizing that I wasn't forgiving... I was just setting aside their sins and then get back at them later on. But the bigger concern here is that, I surprisingly have never forgiven myself for all the mistakes I've made in life. I condemn myself. I hate myself and I curse myself in the process of struggling with forgiveness. I guess I'm too much of a perfectionist or I'm some kind of weird control-freak. I don't really understand when it started but I remembered the time when someone asked me "How do you forgive?" and I couldn't answer.
I look up to my mom. I look up to my dad. I look up to my sister. I look up to my brother. Then I realized, none of them practice forgiveness. I turn to my teachers in High School and my professors in college -- forgiveness is absent. Then there are my friends, I didn't experience that either from them. So where will I find it? I looked up. I saw God looking down on me.
The Lord looks down from heaven and sees every person.
From his throne he watches all who live on earth.
He made their hearts and understands everything they do.
Psalm 33:13-15 NCV
Lord, when You look at me... What do You see? Because all I see is my sins.. My imperfection... What do You see?
I'm on the verge of crying as I type this but I don't think it'll be wise to cry in my cubicle. People might think I'm going through something and to no surprise, I actually am, but it'll be difficult to explain what it is. I want to cry why GOD can forgive and love me even if He sees how sinful I am. He understands more than anyone else in this world. My family loves me but they don't understand. My friends love me but they don't understand. Nobody understood me, only God did and that brings me to tears that He understands why I'm like this even when I can't understand myself. God, seriously, thank You. Your love brings me to tears everyone I get a glimpse of how wonderful Your heart is.
I realized all these this morning when I made a mistake and I can't seem to let it go and forgive myself. I can't seem to accept the fact that I did something wrong even to the point of realizing that what I did was just a simple mistake. I even considered how the people around me feel but not considering its effect on me. The more I think about it, I just kept on condemning myself, condemn, condemn and condemn.
High empathy plus good condemning thoughts.
But then I read my daily morning devotional by Joseph Prince where I would want to quote what he wrote:
I was told by a pastor friend that when a lady, who had cancer on her face, asked for prayer for healing, the Lord revealed to him that it was self-hatred that was keeping her from receiving her healing. She could not forgive herself and was full of self-condemnation.
When she realized her problem, she counted on the fact that God was merciful to her unrighteousness and that she was already forgiven. She received the love of God. Then, right before the pastor's eyes, her whole face changed - she received her healing that very moment!
Can you imagine that? Immediate breakthrough and somehow it moved my heart. It convicted me. It showed the condition of my heart. The heart that is not ready to forgive. The heart that harbors ill-feelings towards other people. The heart that has not learned to love itself.
I want to runaway from it all. I want to leave it all behind and go to a place where I can be free. Where I can be myself and just enjoy a life without anybody else involved. Have a date with God. Walk in some sandy beach or climb a mountain peak and worship Him who is worthy. But even before all that, I want to forgive myself.
I am not perfect.
I will make mistakes.
When I hurt somebody in making a mistake, I choose to ask for forgiveness and humble myself.
When I show people how imperfect I am, I want them to see how God loved me even if I'm unlovable.
I may disappoint.
I may not help at all.
Then, I would want people to look at God because in Him no one will be disappointed in Him.
I can try to help but really... True healing comes from God!
I don't know everything.
I am weak.
My knowledge and expertise is very limited and only God knows everything!
It's not evident but I really am a very emotional person. Though I try to act strong, God has proven and is continually showing me that He is my strength alone.
There's a whole lot more I can include here that I can't do that only God can do something about but here's my most important decision that I want to invite those who also have unforgiveness to do:
I FORGIVE MYSELF.
